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Friendship is a wonderful gift in life. Finding and making friends is a skill, meaning it’s a derivative of wisdom. Not all friendships are beneficial and the wrong friends can ruin our lives. So why is it so hard to find good friends? How can we find and maintain healthy friendships?

Friendship is a form of intimate community and a byproduct of people going in the same direction. I think friendships have 3 categories:

1. Acquaintances: are friendships derived from the intersection of various spheres in life. When we meet people at school, work, church, sports, hobbies, or outings, these spheres overlap and we gain familiarity with each other. Due to our superficial familiarity, we make the most assumptions about these friends.
2. Circumstantial: are friendships derived from sharing certain circumstances. These friendships grow deeper in familiarity due to shared life events. College roommates, military groups, coworkers, sports, clubs, churches, etc. While deeper, these friendships may not be deep enough to last beyond the circumstances, i.e. after graduation, leaving a job, sport, losing touch.
3. Lifers: are friendships that last through life. These are few. A lifer friendship means both parties continually build connections to each other and desire to stay in connected, even if infrequently. These are two-sided. These are people with whom we share deep trust. We can share our biggest weaknesses, failures, and who will rejoice at our accomplishments. Lifers require skill and self-awareness to maintain, they require effort, time and intension, but yield our greatest joy.

Friendship is like walking together through the airport when one steps onto a moving sidewalk. Gradually, space is created between you. Acquaintance surrender to the separation. Circumstantial friend will try temporarily to close the gap. Lifers adjust their speed in order to walk together. Llifers are rare, because we can’t adapt to too many in life.

“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man” Proverbs 22:24

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Proverbs 27:6

I share these proverbs because we can hear in them the echo of wisdom. Wisdom admonishes us to be self-aware, to not repeat things shared in confidence, to withhold judgment and harshness, that friendships can be closer that our own family, to avoid making a friend with the wrong person, and to receive correction when it comes from a trusted friend.

Our world knows very little about true friendship and treats people more like “frenemies.” The world treats friendships like a reality show to be won…not a place to become found. Below I’ve listed some friendship cancers which indicate you may not have a true friendship.

1. Jealousy: You’ll never be jealous of a true friend.
2. Imbalance: When only one party always accommodates the other.
3. Insecurity: True friendship vaporizes insecurity.
4. Manipulation: If one party has to use emotional blackmail, guilt, or pressure, the friendship is on life-support.
5. Competition: Some friendships have healthy competition, but if either party wants to win more than they want the friendship, be warned.
6. Gossip: If either party talks about their friend behind their back and says negative things, there is no real friendship.

Here are 3 life-hacks for finding and developing true friends.

1. Identify: Find those in your spheres of life who are going in a similar direction, who have similar interests, hobbies, goals, etc.. Be careful of “friends” from social media.

2. Invest: Be willing to put yourself out there. Be deliberate and intentional. Once you find an acquaintance whom you like, focus your attention on them. Ask questions that will help you get to know them better. As they share their answers, be willing to share your experiences too, whether similar or different. Pay attention to how they engage with you. If your effort is reciprocated, then invest a bit more. If ignored or lost on them, they may not be able or ready to be a friend.

3. Go there: Once trust is established, don’t be afraid to “go there.” Ask hard questions, ask their opinion, perspectives, and learn about what makes them tick. As they disclose, pay attention to yourself. Don’t just agree with them because you want them to like you. If you disagree, don’t be contentious. You can keep your opinion to yourself until they ask for it. Then be honest. If they can’t be your friend because you disagree, they can’t be a true friend. If this person entrusts you with something about themself, keep it in confidence and tell them that you appreciate it.

You see, finding and developing friendship is first and foremost an inside job. Inside us that is. The friendship is the blossom on the plant which is rooted in our self. If we don’t heal our own insecurities, fears, and wounds, they grow outward into our human connections. We must first know what a true friend is, and how to be a true friend, then we can have a true friend. Once we develop that skill (wisdom), our friendships will grow tremendously both in depth and breadth, and will be healthy.

My approach to friendships is that I’m open to being a friend to anyone who comes into my sphere. Out of these, I endeavor to get to know them. If they try and get to know me, I reciprocate with an equal amount of interest and attention toward them. As friendships fade out, I’ll reach out a few times, and then if they don’t connect, I let the space remain until they are ready to engage. I let the friendship establish the rhythm and depth of the friendship. I go as deep with anyone willing to match me stride for stride. No more no less. I rarely burn a bridge back. As a result, my life is full of very good friends whom I can pick up the conversation even if it’s been a few years. If any need anything, I’m there when they are ready, but I don’t wait. If friendship cancers occur, I bring it up and see how the person responds. If toxic, I’m out.

Lastly, know when to end a friendship or at least create healthy distance. If a friend begins to self-destruct with foolishness and rejects wisdom. Do all you can to keep them from the cliff. But if they insist on jumping off, don’t go with them. Create the necessary distance and let them go. This is a painful thing and it will happen in life. Be ready for it, and be ready to move on beyond it. Never enable a friend to their ruin.

I hope these tidbits about friendship will prevent yourself a lot of heartache, but will help you to have companions with whom you can sojourn through life. A friend is a person with whom all your burdens are cut in half, and all your joys are multiplied. And remember, we all have a genuine friend in Christ.

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)

“No longer do I call you servants, …but I have called you friends…” (John 15:15)