Listen to this post NOW on Beyond Everything Radio!

The statistics for marriage don’t look good. For decades, our society’s divorce rate has been around 50%, abut it’s 27% for Christians, yet that’s not the statistic that is concerning. The percentage of people getting married is at an historic low of 46% of Americans, down from 78% in 1949. Upstream from marriage is the dating world, and that is even more concerning. Nearly half on young males are not dating at all, siting career focus, societal changes, and the dating landscape.

The data from dating apps reveals that over half of available women are competing for the top 2% of men. Modern women are economically empowered and are unwilling to “date down” or “settle” if a man doesn’t fit their criteria. When asked what these women would bring to the top 2%, their delusion becomes fodder for endless podcasts. While entertaining, none of this drama is helpful. It’s only describing the vast problem. Is it any wonder young adults feel hopeless. Especially those of high morals, integrity and family values. Finding your person in today’s environment can feel impossible, and many are giving up.

While I can’t change all dating realities, but I can help you with a strategy that changes you and how you engage with those realities. Here is my strategy for finding true love, and enjoying a long happy marriage.

“… do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5)

You must realize the world lacks wisdom. The advice of the world is folly. Those who go along with the pathos our culture, schools, psychology, the internet, or unhappily married people will drive their lives into a ditch. The world has a pathetically low view of dating, love, marriage, and sex, but many have never heard the alternative. I now share how to build and hold a high-view of these sacred relationships.

Pay close attention to suggestions which feel disagreeable to you. Explore why you desire what is contrary to high ideals. This will help you discover if your “values” are high or low. I’ll begin with the underlying philosophy (love of wisdom) and then offer a practical strategy.

1. Begin with the right definition of marriage in mind. Dating has a single purpose of finding a fit. Having a high-view of marriage means that learning sacrificial love is a priority in life. This is one area that religion got right, and if a person has no spiritual maturity, a high-view of marriage is literally impossible. Just getting married is not the goal. Having a fulfilling, loving marriage, sharing life with another is the goal. Marriage is truly fulfilling, but most people are viewing as a consumer (What do I get out of this?) not as a place to die to oneself. Marriage is where each individual dies for the sake of the marriage, not where the marriage exists for the sake of each individual. Dating then, is not for sex, or fun, but solely to determine if another is compatible for life. That will scare most people today. But it will be a welcome truth to the person who shares this high value.

“…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25)

2. Don’t look for someone to make you happy, look for someone worthy of making happy. Marriage is the where we empty ourselves for the sake of another. We must pick someone capable and willing of dying to themselves. This seems hard, but actually makes dating very easy. High view marriages only work with two givers and forgivers. “Takers” are easy to spot very early. There is no second date if someone lacks this principle. This means marriage is among the first conversations…Folly advises we defer this conversation.

“…though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,^[a] 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant..” (Philippians 2:6-7)

3. Take sex off the table. The goal of dating is not to have sex. People are not test drives. A high-view of marriage, with the principle of self-dying, sacrificial love, by definition means that you will be fully committed to the other person’s sexual satisfaction. You will have an entire life to explore and grow sexually together, there is no need to force it on date #3. If the person won’t date you without sex, they have a low view of sex and you should move on. Sex, when divorced from the whole life of the person is a form of dismemberment. Partaking in it without taking on the whole life of the other is to steal from them the part you want, and disregard the parts you don’t. By removing sex from dating, you avoid unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, and giving yourself to someone who won’t lay their life down for you, which makes you a fool (lacking wisdom). Without sex, a couple can develop true intimacy, and then when married, sex is the icing on the cake. It’s 10% of a good marriage, and 90% of a bad one. Folly says:

“Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!”
    And to him who lacks sense she says,
¹⁷ “Stolen water is sweet,
    and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
¹⁸ But he does not know that the dead are there,
    that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.” (Proverbs 9:16-18)

4. Get the correct order. A self-dying, loving relationship is always first a friendship. It’s someone you enjoy being with. We cannot love anyone we don’t truly respect. Friendships grow into deeper attraction when you discover that you share values and goals. Yes, attraction must be there, but that can and does change over time. A high view of marriage begins with a high view of 1. friendship, 2. dating, 3. love, 4. marriage and 5. sex (in that order). By following this order, painful mistakes are minimized, and you can keep yourself true and pure for the one you’ll ultimately marry. This isn’t exclusively sexual purity, but it includes that. This may seem naivie in today’s foolish world, but the pain of giving oneself away to the wrong person is the price we pay for ignoring this. Follow the cascade of thinking and emotions that happen after having sex with someone who won’t die for you.

5. Build life together. Those committed to a high-view of marriage, will see the wisdom of marrying earlier rather than later. The world recommends becoming independent, self-reliant, stable in your career, and finding someone just like you. How do two such people forsake all they’ve built for the other?They don’t. Marriage is reduced to a negotiation not a union. Dying to oneself is easier with less to die to. A successful marriage is more likely when two people learn how to grow a shared life together. Consider just the financial impact on wealth and housing.

I know these principles are increasingly harder to find in today’s world, but I know they exist. These biblical/moral principles will prevent painful relationship mistakes, and help to quickly screen out those who are not real candidates for doing life together. Following the folly of the world has already proven disastrous, so what option do you have? We must trust God in all things, and trust that your person will be made known to you in time. I do believe that once you adopt this high view, you’ll gain a clearer line of sight into who you’ll even consider dating. Try these steps.

1. Start with texting, or DM, if you are not able or willing to speak directly. (Worthy of interest)
2. Be clear and see if this person of interest is willing to explore friendship and get to know you. (worthy of trust)
3. Begin asking defining question which reveal this person’s intent, interest, and values. (worthy of friendship)
4. Begin engaging on phone or in person. Verify answers by asking in real time. Observe body language. Explore if attraction exists or not. (Worthy of time)
5. Establish a purpose for dating. Establish that you will only focus on this one person. (Worthy of commitment)
6. If all goes well, begin dating relationship. (Worthy of heart and affection)
7. Date and experience increasing amounts of life together. (Worthy of investment)
8. After working through challenges and difficult areas, determine if your relationship is a safe place to heal and grow in friendship and love. (Worthy of love)
9. Propose engagement and begin sorting out logistics of life together. (Worthy of soul)
10. Marriage. (worthy of your all)

There is a lot more I can say about this, so if you want to chat, just reach out to me and we’ll discuss your situation.