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The teenage years are the transition period from childhood to adulthood. As our world unhinges from traditional rites of passage, this transition not only takes longer, but is wrought with much confusion and disorientation for parents and teens alike. Nothing is more painful and disappointing for a parent, than to watch their child fall by the wayside, and derail his or her life. I write this series to offer an intentional path for parents who recognize that the default path to adulthood offered by our foolish world is terribly deficient, and its conclusions about why young people fail to launch are not correct.

I have served as a youth pastor for nearly two decades. During that time, I’ve studied extensively the psychological, social, and physical development of adolescents and I have worked in numerous residential treatment facilities where the most wounded, addicted and fragmented young people end up. I’ve helped many parents make vital course corrections with what I will offer here. In addition, I have raised two successful teenagers who have never given me even a single day of “attitude.” I say this not in a prideful self promotion, but to let the reader know that I have a ton of skin in this game and my advice is successful precisely because it is so counter intuitive. A dysfunctional family might be common, but it isn’t normal…it’s abhorrent that our culture celebrates the erosion of our families and parenting failures. It’s a hard pill to accept, but if we want healing in our families, the process starts with parents owning up and ending the blame game.

I’ve included my most forwarded blog series entitled “The Power of Parenting” for the underlying philosophical considerations. Here is the LINK to the podcasts if you prefer an audio format.

When other parents see my teens and their accomplishments and behavior, they sometimes say: “You got lucky.” or “You’re kids are just wired differently.” or “It must be nice…” These parents are not trying to be insulting, but there is a sort of absolving of responsibility for their parenting choices. The truth is, most parents are far too selfish to follow the advice I’m about to offer. I don’t mean to be insulting here, however, I need parents to make an honest appraisal and root out these areas of selfishness so they can see how they have actually taught their kids to behave precisely as they do.

Parenting is an intentional skill of conscious awareness, it’s not unlike having skill with regard to money. Wisdom works the same in every are of life. The institutional authority of parenthood works so well in childhood and then one day we our voice and power diminish. Sometimes parents think they “hold the cards” because they possess some leverage over their teen’s behavior. This leverage is a surface level illusion, because control is not parenting for a teen. Parents who manipulate through threat, intimidation, control and fear prove they have never gained wisdom nor influence in their teen’s life. This low consciousness, lack of skill stresses the relationship forcing it to ‘arms length‘ and it becomes obligatory as teens become adults.

Love is not an obligation.

So what can a parent do? How can a parent avoid the many pitfalls and bring healing and joy back to the teen years? I’ll offer my counter-intuitive advice, but if my experience is anything, very few parents will accept it. This wisdom comes from biblical principles which are forgotten or ignored by most modern families. For today I’ll list the most common phrases parents use to deflect from leading a transformative undertaking. If you’ve ever said these, then this series is for you:

1. That won’t work for my teen. He or she is too ______________…
2. Everything from chores to homework is a constant battle, I can’t get my teen to do anything…
3. My teen has no respect for anything, including this family, you should hear the things he or she says…
4. I have to bribe them with “screen time” or they won’t listen to me.
5. My teens increasingly want less to do with me…I guess that’s normal..right?
6. I hated my teenage years and I cannot stand this phase of life in them, I just want to get past it…
7. My teen used to be so sweet and innocent, and now they are trying to grow up too fast…
8. Teens live in a very different world than I grew up in and it really scares me…
9. I cannot see any possible way my teen will be self sufficient within a few years…

This series is a reminder that healing is possible, but it will require a humble course correction for the whole family. What I offer isn’t a technique, or a strategy. I will offer counter-intuitive wisdom which is actually very simple in scope. What makes it challenging is every force which seems to stand in the way of us actually applying it. Thus parenting is ultimately a spiritual undertaking where we are striving to orient all family members toward this same True North. Once everyone has their bearings (sees themselves), the work is then for each person in the family to become increasingly freed to either trust or ignore these coordinates, and allow each to fully experience the incremental gain or loss of life which comes with this spiritual self-awareness.

As you’ll quickly learn in this series, our job as parents of teenagers is to constantly return to the work of spiritual navigation, and we measure our success by our ability to surrender the outcomes rather than control them. I will end this introduction with vivid snapshot of Jesus as a teen. When you hear this, what emerges as wisdom for you?

 After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.  And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.  And when his parents saw him, they were astonished. And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.”  And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” And they did not understand the saying that he spoke to them.  And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart. (Luke 2:46-51)